Thursday, February 14, 2013

Shut the Front Door ... Day 45 ... Valentines Day! Oh joy.

My husband and I have been married for...
wait let me count...
32 years.
 Holy crap!
Is that right?
Let me count again...
$h!t yea,
Poverty stricken.
God forsaken.
(as my mother would say).
In those 32 years, I've learned several important things about Valentines Day.
  1. Valentines Day...It sucks tidewater. Oh yea. And, I'm not talking that spring-time-fresh scented stuff you pour in the washing machine either. I'm talking that foamy, brackish stuff, littered with hospital waste lapping at the shores of Jersey as we speak.
  2. Flowers (cut not potted) are a complete waste of money. I'd rather have a plant (even a tree would be nice) that I can plant in the yard and enjoy for years. Flowers, although pretty, turn into a wilted, molding mess that I have to scrub out of the bottom of next summer's garage sale vase before the week is out. Where's the romance in that?
  3. Heart shaped boxes full of candy? Nasty! I don't care how expensive those chocolate covered, nut crusted, cream filled, concoctions are, they taste like crap. Throw me a $3 bag of plain Hershey Kisses and I'm one happy camper.
  4. Jewelry is the mother of all scams. Bling just screams guilt. The more carrots (I'm well aware that this is not the correct spelling) are involved, the more you should be able to get out of him in the divorce settlement.
  5. Lingerie? You've got to be kidding. Nothing says "I Love You" less than "put this on and parade around like a $2 street corner hooker". Besides, after having 4 kids, "Ain't nobody got time fo dat".
  6. Going out to dinner. If it wasn't for the insane crowd (I hate crowded restaurants), the hour wait despite a reservation, and the overly long time it takes to get served (because of the insane crowd), it would probably be the least offensive tradition for this so called holiday. It gets me out of having to cook and then wash dishes, so I'm ok with it.
  7. Cards covered with velvet hearts overflowing with overly sappy expressions of undying love. Paleeeaaaase give me a break. Unless you talk like that everyday (which only Disney characters and soap opera actors do), I'm not buying it. Have you really looked at the price of a card? Only Halmark can put their kids through college selling paper one page at a time.
So what has my husband learned over the past 32 years about gifts for holidays in general (not just  Valentines Day)?

Cut flowers are not an acceptable gift. A flowering tree, on the other hand, is an acceptable gift...hint, hint, hint.

A ladder is an acceptable gift because he can now reach my upper windows and wash them for me (except he's only done it once since he bought the ladder).

Binoculars are an acceptable gift. I'm blind. It's the gift of sight.

Rocks are acceptable gifts as long as I can use them around my yard.

Power tools are acceptable gifts as long as I'm not actually expected to work with them.
Hey, I think I've been pretty easy on him over the years.
My gift to you this glorious day???
No Shut the Front Door ... Day 45 boring picture of my front yard.
Why, you ask?
Because I was a little busy today and forgot to take a picture.
Happy Valentines Day!


  1. Don't hold back Kim, tell us how you really feel.
    You're such a romantic.
    Ahem, there is no "foamy, brackish stuff, littered with hospital waste lapping at the shores of Jersey as we speak" ... just the rollercoaster due to Sandy.
    Your Friend on the NJ Shore,

    1. Hi Deborah!!
      Yea, romantic is my middle name :)
      Sorry about the shore slam. I've never actually been there and I'm sure it's beautiful despite the underwater rollercoaster attraction. It's a shame that clean-up help isn't arriving faster for those who need it.
      Thanks for following along on my daily rants. I was worried that the only people who checked in daily were the ones who wanted me to check out their porn websites. Gotta love spammers...not!


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